Negative 

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So, the other evening, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. The weird thing is, I’m not quite sure how to take it… I just feel so… blah. I’m not upset, but I’m not happy either. It’s strange.

Yesterday, I realised that I felt guilty for taking the test, I felt as though I should be happy and content with my miracle who is now seven months old. Truth is, it’s not really about being happy or content, it’s not about feeling guilty for wanting a another child, it’s the feeling of my body not working. I hate that those feelings are floating around in my mind because I remember the dark place it took me to not so long ago…

Once my cycle returned, I felt  both excited and nervous because I thought it meant my body had returned to “normal”. I kept thinking about what the word “normal” meant for someone like me- someone with PCOS. Would I ever be in the “normal” category? I thought that after giving birth, my body would somehow fall into check and take a liking to the hormonal changes I had experienced over the past year.

I kept the fact that I had missed my period in June  to myself because I had drummed it into my mind that there was no way I could be pregnant. I thought about what the Health Visitor had told me, “You need to think about what type of contraception you will use as it is dangerous for you to conceive within the first year after a c-section.” She went on to explain that after giving birth, women are highly fertile and that the c-section scar takes a while to completely heal – even if it looks OK on the outside. Apparently, I would be at risk of having a ruptured uterus or another small baby… As scary as it all sounds, I just did not and still do not want to think about contraception after 5 years, 1 miscarriage and 3 IVF Cycles. I thought that there must be thousands of women have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies so soon after a c-section. The only information that registered with me were two words- “highly fertile” and I concluded that I would once again put everything into the hands of God and take it from there.

I’ve tried to ease myself back into maintaining a healthy, balanced lifestyle but over the past couple of months, I have really been struggling. I’m not sue if it’s the hot weather or a bad case of anxiety but it.has.just.been.hard…

On the plus side, the other week, I moaned that my prayer list for those waiting on their miracle babies was growing. I was a little frustrated that it had been a while since I had crossed someone off the list and then I received some fantastic news from a beautiful woman that she was almost 17 weeks pregnant.  Last week, I found out that a further 3 women were pregnant! Hearing news like this gives me hope for those still waiting and for myself.  So, roll on the next chapter of 9MonthsandWaiting!

Be Encouraged, Be Expectant

yellow heart

 

One thought on “Negative 

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