Yesterday, I was going over some of the conversations/encounters I had had with many aunties and thought I’d share a few. Now, when I say aunty, I’m not necessarily referring to a blood relative. In the Nigerian and many other African, Caribbean and Asian cultures, you do not call someone who is older than (like 8+ years) you by their name so, we have many aunties!
Setting– Nigerian party in a banqueting hall. Loud afrobeats playing, dance floor full of young (some old) people showcasing the latest moves.
Me: Hello Aunty
Aunty: Ahn, Kemi I’m worried about you. I thought we would be having naming ceremony by now. Ahn, what are you waiting for? I’m really worried.
Me: we’re waiting on God and having a good time in the process.
Aunty: Good time, What good time? Please o, hurry
Me: Aunty, we can’t rush God’s work
Aunty: Is everything ok?
Me: Yeah, why wouldn’t it be
Starting to walk away
Aunty: please o, this time next year, I want to be carrying my grandchild
Laughs and walks away
This particular person went from being the “worried” aunty to the “worried” grandmother who wanted to hold her grandchild? 😀 I know her intentions were not bad.
Setting– Tesco supermarket, can’t remember which aisle
I spot an aunty and wonder whether it’s too late to turn my shopping trolley around and quickly move to another aisle. I look at my trolley, I look at the aunty then back to my trolley. I conclude its too late, she’s one of those aunties that has probably already seen me and is waiting for me to try and walk away without saying hello so she can tell me off in front of everyone and then report me to my mum. Nope, not going through that, let me just say hello and get it over with. I know some of you reading this can identify with what I’ve said 😀
I slowly push my trolley in her direction, still secretly hoping she somehow leaves the aisle.
Me: Hello aunty
Aunty: ooo Kemi, how are you my dear?
She definitely saw me
Me: I’m good thank you. How are you?
Aunty: We thank God. How’s mummy, I was suppose to call her last week
Me: She’s fine
Aunty: Any children yet?
Me: Not yet, very soon
Aunty looks at my stomach
Aunty: You young people, always wanting to have fun. What fun are you having without the children?
Me: We’re waiting for God’s time
Aunty: Ahn, you better hurry up
She obviously didn’t hear me say we were waiting on God…
Aunty: So you are doing house shopping abi?
Aunty: Well done. Anyway, say hello mummy and let her know I’m going to phone her.
Me: Ok, bye
Why don’t you just call her instead of sending me to tell her that? She has no intention of calling!
Setting- Church, New Years Eve service
Aunty: Hello Kemi
Me: Oh! Hello aunty, wow, it’s been a while
Aunty: I know, how’s your son?
Me: Son? I don’t have a son.
Aunty: Yes, I was told you had a baby this year- or was it a girl?
Me: Umm, no, not me. No children yet.
Aunty: Yes, I’m sure it was you
I think I’d know if I had a baby!
Me: No, definitely not me
Aunty: Oh, maybe it was your sister?
Me: No, not my sister
Aunty: Oh, ok then. So how are you and when are we coming to eat rice?
Me: You can come and eat rice at anytime aunty. I know that she’s referring to a naming ceremony but I’ll just play dumb!
Aunty: Yes, we need to come and eat rice and celebrate with you.
Me: Soon, by the grace of God
Aunty: How’s your mum?
Me: She’s good, she’ll be here tonight.
Aunty: Ok, when she gets here, let me know.
Knowing full well I have no intention of coming back to tell her.