This is a different type of post as I have included some videos too! During the process, I decided to video some of my thoughts. I wasn’t quite sure what I’d do with the content but, it felt right at the time. I didn’t get a chance to do any editing as my iPhone decided that last week would be the week to suddenly start playing up… Anyhoo, enjoy the read and try to look past quality of the videos- I am not a vlogger!
The final one….
For those of you who have been following the blog since I started in March, you will remember that my godsister (mrsbusari.com) and I started our 6am morning prayers in our respective war rooms the previous month. At this time, I had started praying more specifically for the children God had shown me. I wasn’t praying prayers of “God, when is going to happen?, Why is it taking so long?” My prayers were about the type of children they would grow to be and the impact they would have on the world. I also started praying more for others who were waiting on their own blessing- a child, life partner, job etc. In my post ‘War room’ I described how I literally felt like I was going to war – I was tired of trying to win the battle on my own.
I have to say, during the first few weeks, I began to feel something break in my spirit. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I was so much happier and at peace. I was OK with where I was because deep down, I knew, I felt it, I grabbed hold of the fact that my breakthrough was just around the corner!
So, in March, we began our third fresh cycle and the last which would be funded by the NHS. Our consultant wanted to take a more cautious approach after my traumatic episodes of the hyperstimulation the previous year. We agreed that I would first need to go on the pill for 21 days so that they could have a more accurate picture of when I would be ovulating and therefore give us a better chance of a successful cycle. Up until the 6am prayers, I had being dreading this cycle. I had so many thoughts going through my mind like “what if it doesn’t work this time?, We’ve just bought a new house, will we have money to pay for more cycles?”
We reached the end of the 21 days and were booked in for a baseline scan. This is where a transvirginal ultrasound is carried out to ensure your ovaries are “quiet” (few follicles and the ones that are present are not big in size) and womb lining is thin. As we sat in the waiting room, the receptionist asked how I was feeling. I paused before I answered as it suddenly dawned on me that I felt nothing. I literally had no expectations whatsoever. Sounds crazy right? I told her that I had zero expectations and was just waiting to see what would happen. I truly felt the meaning of ‘let go and let God.’
When we entered the room, I had the same conversation with the nurse. She was shocked as she knew how nervous I had been the previous times. She even broke protocol and said, “I’m sure God knows what He is doing.” We had Never spoke about faith with this particular nurse. Sometimes it was even hard to read her as she always looked so stone-faced. She went on to talk about how everything would happen in His time and we have no control over it…
Everything was looking good and we were given the go ahead to start the Gonal-F injections that evening. I was dreading those injections and vowed that I would really fight any possibility of hyperstimulation. We began on a low dosage of 125 IU and were back at the clinic every other day to ensure the follicles were growing in the hope of one reaching 18cm in order to move forward to egg collection stage. Trigger injection was taken on day 13 and egg collection scheduled for day 15
Day 2 post egg collection, I was taken to A&E… I really didn’t want to be in that position again, I didn’t know what to think but the warrior spirit inside rose and I told myself that I needed to be discharged from the hospital in 2 days- anything longer and the clinic could cancel the cycle. I was admitted to the same ward and opposite the bed I was in the last time. The nursing staff recognised me and sympathised with my determination to try and fight the pain without morphine. That first night was so hard, I hardly slept and because they had given me morphine in A&E, I almost felt like I was dying when it wore off. Taking two paracetamols after morphine is like going from 100 mph to 20mph! You literally feel nothing but more pain!
Thank God, I was discharged after two days and felt ready to face the next battle. I say battle because I was convinced my amazing baby would not come without a fight. The morning of embryo transfer came and I was woken up with terrible pains. I texted my mum, Pastor and close friends to pray for me as I began throwing up. Where the heck had the pain suddenly come from? I had been fine over the past two days and this was just freaky…
The hour long journey to the clinic seemed to be the longest of my life. The movement of the car was making me nauseous and dizzy- I just.did.not.feel.good.at.all. I closed my eyes and began to listen to the lyrics of the song my husband had decided to play. I’d never heard the song before, didn’t know the artist but, it really began to sooth my soul.
Standing here not knowing how we’ll get through this test
But holding onto faith you know best
Nothing can catch you by surprise
You’ve got this figured out and you’re watching us now
But when it looks as if we can’t win
You wrap us in your arm and step in
And everything we need you supply
You got this in control
And now we know that
(Travis Greene, ‘Made a way’)
Those words really ministered to me and I found that my focus was no longer on the pain but the result we would be welcoming in the New Year. 😊
Once seated in the waiting room, the nurse came over to have us sign the forms and go through what would be happening- I was all too familiar with the process. The embryologist came to see us to let us know how many quality embryos we had for transfer that day. She was very pleased and said its the best quality we had had in all 3 cycles. I was so happy! I noticed the nurse and senior consultant whispering in the corner and couldn’t help but get nervous- I knew they could tell I wasn’t well. I began praying, pleading with God that they would not send me home. My hubby told me to straighten up in my seat and try not look so sick… How do you not look so sick when you really are?
The senior consultant came over and said “How are you feeling because you don’t look too good?” I said I was just a little tired and bloated (lie). She then explained that she would scan me first to ensure there was no more fluid in my abdomen as they were aware I was admitted to hospital. She said if things did not look good and the follicles in my ovaries were still large, they would cancel and I would have to wait 3 months before going through a frozen transfer. Uh, no, not again! I didn’t come this far for it to be cancelled! The lyrics of the song began to fill my head.
And you made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
(Travis Greene, ‘Made a way’)
My husband squeezed my hand and assured me everything would be OK. Once the scan was complete, the consultant once again made her views very clear that she was reluctant for the transfer to go ahead. She said “I am making an executive medical decision and will on transfer one embryo as I don’t think your body will be able to handle two.” We were left alone for a couple of minutes to decide what we wanted to do and I let my hubby know that I was upset. I was upset at her decision because I felt that if two were transferred, we would have a better chance. My hubby quickly made me realise that it didn’t matter how many were transferred- they could transfer 6 and it still not work unless God wanted it. He was right, the quantity didn’t matter, all we needed was one!
Transfer complete, other embryos frozen and once again, I once again left the clinic pregnant until a pregnancy test told me otherwise. For the next 12 days, I kept myself busy and was surprisingly not worried- I knew God had this! I continued to eat healthy, mainly wholegrain meals and large quantities of pineapple core as this apparently helps with implantation. On day 6 post transfer, I saw blood… I sat on the toilet seat for so long just looking puzzled. I prayed it was implantation bleeding and not signs of a miscarriage like before. I told hubby and he went for a long walk (an hour or so) and when he returned, he took my hand, smiled and said everything was OK. I knew then that God had shown him something for him to be so confident.
The morning of the test day, I woke at 6am as usual, we prayed and I took that little stick to the bathroom and prayed to see those two pink lines! 😊
You move mountains
You cause walls to fall
With your power
You perform miracles
There is nothing that’s impossible
And we’re standing here
Only because you made a way
(Travis Greene, ‘Made a way’)
As we cried together, our words were simple – Thank You Jesus!
So, my blog has been running really behind due to the severe morning sickness (have no idea why it’s called that) that did not pass until after week 20… For those who are close, you already know but, sincere apologies to those following. I didn’t want to just give an announcement without posting my thoughts and the entire journey.
Thank you to all of you who have sent messages of encouragement and prayers to me – I am so grateful! Do carry on following the blog as this is not the end of the journey.
Be Expectant, Be Encouraged