Hunger

Hunger
              ‘a compelling need or desire for food’
              ‘the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need of food’

What do you hunger for? What cravings do you have that weakens your mind and breaks the concentration of your daily activity? Sometimes, it’s a bad habit that we hunger for and not necessarily something sweet, fizzy etc.

I hunger for my children. I mean, I really cannot wait to meet them. Sometimes the thoughts literally consume my whole being and I can just zone out thinking about what they will look like, the type of character they will have, how their voice will sound- it’s mind, body and soul consuming! And, even though my thoughts make me happy for the period of  time I’m zoned out, I also sometimes get the illusion that I’m full- full of happiness about what’s about to happen; until I’m brought back to reality of the hunger pains…

I’ve been living with PCOS for over 15 years. I remember being so happy and excited that I didn’t get a monthly period. I mean, I told everyone- I loved the fact that I could only get those horrible period pains every 2 months or so… Boy, did I regret that love years later!

I became the one in the family who would always be going to the GP because of stomach aches, being admitted to hospital with excruciating pains that could only be controlled with morphine. I’d pass out at work, in the street, at church- anywhere, anytime. It was hard because I’d always think “God, what have I done that’s offended you so much that I’m being so badly punished?”

I’ve been under the care of 5 different medical gynaecology consultants who have all discharged me from hospital care with “everything seems fine, your tubes are clear, your cysts are so small there would be no point in operating and you seem to be healthy.” Healthy? What constitutes healthy, please? If I’m so healthy, why am I being sent home with an array of medication that is so strong and can be used as a substitute for recovering drug addicts?

It must have been around 2004 that I was told PCOS is “not that serious” and common in young women. “Your periods will eventually regulate.” ” If the cysts remain, you may not be able to have children or find it hard to conceive.” “Don’t worry about it now, you’re so young and we can cross that bridge when the time comes”…. 10 years later, I was attempting to cross that bridge and my hunger deepened so much, it felt like starvation!

I had a dye test- tubes were clear and  I was even ovulating at the time.

I had a colonoscopy- all clear and no blockages. Awesome!

Laparoscopy- all clear- no signs of any abnormalities. Tiny cysts were seen but nothing to cause concern.

I was told I could conceive easily… Whoa! That’s awesome news… Only thing is, I’m still waiting.

PCOS comes with many issues (weight gain, increased body hair, irregular cycles, no ovulation) and is sometimes brushed over by many (not all) health professionals. It’s very important that you push your GP for scans, a dye test and possibly a laparoscopy to ensure everything is working the way it should. The only reason I was able to have all of the above tests and procedures was because I had a medical professional friend who was advising me on what to tell my GP. You also need to look into your diet as it’s recommended that we have a low GI one- will explain in next post.

Truth is, PCOS and the delay is not a punishment because the God I serve is not mean, He is not unjust, He knows exactly what He is doing! It was hard coming to this realisation and took a lot of deepening my relationship with God to fully understand that He knows what He is doing and it’s most definitely for a purpose. Sometimes, we are so hurt and traumatised by the now, that we can’t see the future, the promises He has made and the testimonies which will come forth.

I encourage you to feed on the word- your daily bread, seek His Kingdom. The joy and comfort I get in knowing that His promises are “yes” and “Amen” (2Corinthians 1:20) are far better than the “possibilities” doctors put before me.

4 thoughts on “Hunger

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