Hi Kemi, hope all is well with you! I wanted I reach out to you because I believe that God makes everything happen for a good reason and often people come in and out of your life at the right time. Perhaps it was just by chance that I saw your blog, but I like to believe that Allah swt (God) is giving me a chance to utter a few encouraging words to you and I hope they help you. I was very sad to read of your loss in 2013 I can relate as I lost my baby a few weeks before you in the same year and to be honest I have never and will never get over it. Getting over the “oh he or she would have been this age now” and “I wonder how they would have looked?” Without dwelling on the past and not wishing to bring up painful memories and feelings for both of us but, I just wanted to say that God is great and your time will come, God willing. Don’t lose hope as these life experiences are to help make us even more grateful for when we are blessed with what we desire.
I had a very long and painful fertility struggle. I have seen it all from using metformin having PCOS myself to the countless and depressing fertility appointments at the hospital. To even having surgery to check if my womb and tubes were OK, to finally having to inject my belly for 16 days every night with hormones to help me ovulate. Every night I would cry because I hated injecting myself and my belly was covered in bruises because I wasn’t doing it right and caused myself more pain than I should have- apparently there is a technique to it. It was all worth it and then some Kemi as I now have a beautiful baby boy that God has blessed me with.
Fertility struggles and losing a baby- no matter what stage is painful and can be a lonely place at times. I couldn’t have pulled through without the few people I did talk to- my family, my husband and most of all my faith kept me strong. I pray you are blessed with what your heart desires and you get what you are praying for. I have to admit, having had to fight for my baby and the way it tested and pushed my faith was all worth it and it has made me a better person and much more appreciative of what I have been blessed with.
I felt like everyone else was having a baby except me and don’t get me started on the baby on board badges on the way to work! I would count how many women I would pass on my way to work sometimes I would try and avoid eye contact with them but it’s like God wanted me to see them and, each one I saw was like a punch to the stomach. People would tell me their news and show me their scan pictures and I would smile. Even my sister who didn’t want anymore kids was expecting but kept it from me due to the guilt she felt. The power of prayer is so real and it was sad but also comforting to know more and more of my close friends and family were also struggling to conceive. Suddenly I didn’t feel as alone as we would talk to each other when our husbands had had enough of listening to us over and over about our loss, struggles and the many ovulation kits.
I Kept praying daily but then I started to become specific in my prayers and Included my family and friends who were also waiting. Each day I would reel off this sadly long list of names and ask Allah swt to please grant all those women wishing to have children to have them. I am not saying I am anything special- far from it but, my prayers were answered and with the exception of three ladies who’s names I still say, all the other ladies got pregnant or have had their babies praise the Lord. My whole life whenever I have desired something whether it be to do well in my studies, get me the job I wanted or give my family the strength to let me marry my husband who wasn’t from the same culture as me. All these things were by his grace granted to me.
My baby however took a lot longer and harder prayers and I realised it was a huge lesson for me and it has made me a better person. At the time I felt such despair and was pushed to the limit in and I started questioning everything and I remember so clearly the final conversation my husband and I had after another disappointing and mentally draining fertility appointment. He just said “That’s it, I have had enough of these hospitals and tests, if it happens it happens, I can’t watch you be so miserable all the time and see you so upset and dread these appointments so I am going to start the adoption process and besides, there are lots of blessings in adopting and loving a child who may not have parents or be from a broken home.” I couldn’t help but agree with him and we decided that we would stop after one round of the hormone injections. Our faith was also tested and we just felt like going crazy and doing something wild just to let loose.
In our faith, we are not allowed to drink and I never have done so in my life but, there was a moment when I felt like “you know what, who cares, what am I doing all this praying for?” And it was then Allah swt heard my call and knew my heart was on the verge of straying and like a boomerang he pulled us both up and lifted us from the edge of the dark hole we were considering falling into and the injections worked! One Saturday morning, the 7th March 2015 the test was positive and my faith has never been stronger.
The point of my essay is stay strong Kemi, stay firm and keep your heart and intentions clean, for God will reward you ten fold insh’Allah (God willing). You will have your baby one day, just keep going! I am proof that the power of prayer is real and it works. I couldn’t have done it without my Islamic faith and belief that he had a better plan for me. So when my baby is crying and I am only one hours sleep, I still thank Allah that I have a baby to put to sleep and soothe with my cuddles and warm embrace. Stay strong Kemi I wish you happiness and all things good. Don’t give up and good on you for making a blog and discussing it as you don’t realise how common it is until it happens to you.