Today I am testifying to encourage, to inspire and to motivate. This is not a testimony to say that I’ve been perfect and ticked all the boxes nor, is it a map on how to get your miracle. This is a testimony to prove to you how perfect God is despite your imperfections. It’s a testimony that shows how God always navigates your way even when your own map doesn’t show a through road.
When you get married, it’s natural to expect that you’ll get pregnant from the first touch. It’s the natural progression, the assumption, the expectation. It seems as though from DAY 1 of Mr & Mrs, there are Baby Watch Patrollers, positioned at every public and private event, armed with enough questions to put CSI, FBI, Scotland Yard and the MET to shame. And for a good 4 years, there was nothing to report. Of course, you hear of people who struggle to have children but, you never imagine that it would be you. I used to dodge discussions about babies and instead busy myself in all kinds of activities.
In 2011 I became more determined to get to the bottom of our fertility issues. I went to the GP who ran various tests and examinations. He sat across the table from me and shook his head.
‘You have loads of fibroids’ he said abruptly. I immediately wondered whether he’d left his Doctorate in Bedside manners at home. I left with a heavy heart. A few months later, hoping for a better colleague I went to a gynaecologist whose report was also negative; in addition to the fibroids I also had Poly Cystic Ovaries. I was upset and worried but, I was encouraged by the faith of my husband and my family. I am grateful to God that they pointed me to look to God and not to the diagnosis of the doctors. We remained hopeful and in faith we picked the names of our children. Little did I know then, that our faith would be tested once again.
After trying for a little while longer, we met with a consultant who advised us to have a laparoscopy – an operation to investigate what was causing the delay. My consultant was expecting that he might have to tweak a few things during the operation so, he wasn’t prepared for what he found and neither were we.
In April 2012, my consultant told me that I would never be able to conceive naturally.
Both my tubes were blocked and filled with fluid. We were told that even if I did get pregnant, that it would be difficult to continue the pregnancy as the foetus could be poisoned from the liquid in my tubes. The doctor explained that the condition could also have been the reason I had been suffering from sporadic pain. That’s a day that you don’t forget easily; I remember walking down the corridor of the hospital, holding my hand over my mouth to stop myself from screaming, I remember looking at my husband feeling incredibly sad that he’d married a woman that didn’t ‘work but, most of all I remember the guilt.
I felt incredibly guilty. Constantly recounting reasons why this was my fault. I would have flashbacks of things that I’d done, things that I’d said. My past mistakes would haunt me when I’d shut my eyes at night. I began to feel that somehow, I was serving a lifetime punishment for my sins. The dream of someone calling me mummy someday seemed further than it had ever done.
Until, one Sunday, when there was an altar call at church. It was specific, Pastor said that ‘there is a woman here that feels that their past is preventing them from getting pregnant’. I knelt down before God, knowing that he’d heard my plea. A dear friend said that the Holy Spirit never condemns, he convicts and equips. In those few moments before God, the Holy Spirit healed my heart and I felt empowered to move forward. The sins of my past may have come to visit but, God’s awesome love was there to stay forever.
In the following months, we made the difficult decision to have my tubes removed. We knew there was no going back and that if we wanted to get pregnant it would have to be through IVF. Fully aware of how expensive the procedure is, we tried to explore getting treatment on the NHS but, there were so many delays as they kept misplacing vital blood tests and paperwork. God was faithful and money started coming from random sources. We went ahead with our procedure and praise God; on our first attempt I got pregnant.
During my pregnancy there were a few glitches; right at the start I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance whilst teaching at school (the kids had never seen an ambulance on the playground!), I started bleeding at 3months and was told that it could have been a twin pregnancy. At one point I was told my babys’ heart had stopped beating! God was faithful during those times and he was faithful right till the end. During a very labour, my babys’ heart rate was in distress and so I had an emergency c section. To the glory of God, my son was born, alive and well. I prayed for a happy baby and I couldn’t have gotten a happier one.
I was reminded the other day of how far I’d come. To some – 5 years of waiting isn’t that long – but I think 1 day is too long when you’re desperately waiting for something. You never know quite how badly you want something until you have to wait for it. I know that there are women who have been on this journey longer than me, there are women whose path hasn’t been as straight forward, I want to encourage you. God hasn’t forgotten you. The doctors may have their diagnosis but God has the final result. Keep painting that picture of the family you want to have.
Recently I’ve been reflecting on my life and I was reminded that there was a point in time I thought I wouldn’t get married because I didn’t think anyone would want me. And here I am with a son. I don’t believe I was lucky nor, do I believe I did anything special. In fact, my walk with God could definitely do with some improvement. All I know is that God’s love to me is absolutely, undeniably, without question – unconditional. Even better is that, his unconditional love is not just for me; his absolute, unquestionable, undiluted, undying love is for you too. It’s the love for the lost, broken hearted and disappointed. When you come to a full realisation of it, there’s no doubt that it gives you boldness and confidence, it makes you complete. He loves you so much that he takes you as his child and showers you with all the same gifts that a son or daughter should have.
My son is further proof to me of God’s undying love; it’s like God’s promise of his unconditional love and kindness is asleep in the cot right next to me every night. So, if you’re reading this and you doubt your worth, I’m here to tell you that you’re worth it. Not because L’Oreal said so but, because God said so. He said it when his Son was falsely accused and persecuted. He said it when his Son wore a crown of thorns. He said it when his Son was beaten mercilessly for a people he would later show mercy. He said it when his Son hung on the cross pleading for our forgiveness. This testimony is not just about getting pregnant; it’s a testimony of God’s unfailing love.
5 thoughts on “Ruby Suze’s Story”
Wow your story have brought down tears from my eyes.my marriage….lord help me.
Yes am hopeful, that his promises to me will come to pass, I can relate to every letter you used in typing this bLog post, I had this feeling that I was beautiful very beautiful but worthless cause I failed in my work with God, I made a promise to be like my sister and people before me , keep myself before marriage but I failed, I got in a relationship blindly got pregnant, terminated and have been living with that guilt since 2008, instead of Running back to God, no I didn’t I kept at it, from one meaningless relationships to another, when I had a warning in 2011, another random infected me with chlamydia, then I sat up changed my ways still not completely I didn’t know , I was so naive of long term effects of my reckless day catching up with me, I wen for deliverance and tried to live right by God, man of God and the church I served in, it was hard but I did, along the lines even before then I had very painful menstraul cycle and cause my older sister and cousins go through similar episodes I paid no mind to it, until 2016 I left my church cause of individual differences, and just plain stupidity on my part, I lost my way again , I started looking for gratification from man and boy did I get it and was it with someone I loved or loved me back? No!!! it was with a friend turned lover , we felt we would be the best for each other cause we had similar stories and some experiences that matched ( childhood abuse) so we bonded on our brokenness , that led to abuse both to my spiritual,physical and emotional life, I couldn’t reason straight everyone around knew I was lost and not in love, but hey we have so much in common and I dare say we loved God, so our relationship was ordained by God a fool I was, in the process of being in this relationship I started experiencing pain this time on my lower abdomen, it went from a 5 to 100 , visits to Gp slowly moved to hospital visits, scans blood tests, the pruding you name it, to finally realising in one of my many visit there was a mass, no a cyst, this looks like endometriosis or sorry your tubes might be blocked oh it looks like you’ve got a lot of fibroids, now am seeing the top dogs consultants student doctors wanting to observe, freak show,
as I was been examined even as I was going through this so you know the devil just kept hammering how worthless and underserinv I was of something better talk less of God love and attention, so called soul mate then said ( in his deepest Nigerian accent)you know every day doctor visitor about tummy isn’t good oh , we need to know if you can take in oh abi na !have you ever been pregnant? I had to ask uncle have you ever impregnated a girl? So I knew I was on my own I won’t get any kind of support form is side, slowly moved and ended things with him, I just walked out, no explanation as I felt he held me back and didn’t deserve to be the shoulder I cried on, boy was I bitter,
My sister, my mum, cousin all knew my ordeal they’ve been with me every step of the way and it’s been hard
A few months back I cried to my doc why me can’t you do something the pain is too much my meds ain’t working , good man he listens always sends me to the hospital same old story pump her with drugs send her home , do I blame them no oh, At this point because of what I had been through, I didn’t even remember to call on God I had been blind sided by anger pain bitterness I forgiveness most of all my past, thank God again for a prayfull mother, she started talking and am sure she’s been praying a storm, then I sent a long message to my cousin asking for her to intercede on my behalf, that am tired, she called me , told her husband yes we are close like that I didn’t mind even, he in turn started praying, they prayed from that day till now for me, they told their pastor to pray for their younger sister me who’s going through challenges, boy I wasn’t happy why tell an outsider about my business, but boy was I wrong, while he prayed, God revealed the exact thing I was going through and I had passed that stage where people prophesy or see things about me cause of my past so he called the exact name of the procedure I was going to undergo, my cousin didn’t understand why so she called me immediately while her pastor was still praying, so I spoke with him, mind you I only told her pain in my tummy not in depth details like the sides left or right, and the doctors reports or the procedure I was been scheduled for so I knew God was definitely in my business, this pastor over the phone isn’t all that educated but he pronounced the procedure, and said I don’t know how to say it but I will spell what I can see, just like that I mean what are the odds ehen ? That woke my faith in fact I know it’s not anyone else who’s going to do it I need to pray my own way into my breakthrough,
Right this very minute I am still worried, I won’t lie but I have this new hope in God that he never left me he loves me, that I am worth the blood that Jesus shared on the cross of Calvary,
oh and stories like yours gives me hope makes me know that the Egyptian I see today I will see them no more that the lord shall fight for me, that am not forgotten,
Hold on it doesn’t end there I plan on giving you my story till date, isn’t God wonderful inspite of my flaws, for all the bad in me, he sent a man that has loved me every step of the way from the first day till date, At first it was can I give you a lift to your appointments, you’re always in some kind of pain, are you ok I will ask my sister she’s a pharmacist for pain relief, to going for more hospital visits with me, he waited outside, boiled water over and over again,even without asking, while reading up stuff on things relating to what I was going through, I gave him an hint at the time, ( yea my tummy hurt woman stuff bla bla) holding my hands, praying with me, wiping my tears, clothing me, giving me financial support above all loving me for me and nothing else just loving old me, God is indeed great and like you the world will hear and read about my testimony you wait and see, God bless you richly I came across you videos from Bellanaija then I read your blog post.
I watched you on YouTube and I think you mentioned having two ceaserians in close succession. Did you have a second child?
Hi Toyin, this is a different blog to Ruby Suze’s YouTube channel. But, yes, she does have two children.
Awesome and encouraging testimony of God’s goodness. God always shows us the way out of every predicament. He definitely does so, in HIS own time. Thank you Suze, for sharing yoir emotional journey