aaarrgggh…. That question! That question used to make me want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I never knew how to answer and found myself looking everywhere – anywhere, other than the person who was asking the question. How is it that such a simple question could make me feel so small and irrelevant? My throat would tighten but I would somehow find the strength to put on a huge smile and say “Yes, they are coming soon.” Of course, the word soon would prompt a quick look at my stomach to see if there was any evidence in what I’d said.
Coming from an African background, parents and in-laws expect to hear some good news pretty soonish after the wedding… I remember that my mum would ask me almost every month whether I had any news for her. I thought it was quite funny and would tease her saying “No, we’re planning another holiday.” She obviously did not find my jokes funny and would go on to tell me how excited she was about being a grandmother – no pressure there I guess? Not only was I feeling that I was letting my husband down, I felt I was letting my parents and in-laws down. The pressure was immense.
You see, the thing about pressure is that it opens doors to unnecessary negatives that births fear, depression, anxiety, stress and so much more – all of which are not of God. While you’re going through the wait, you fail to see or identify that you are stressed. Close people around you will try to tell you that you are stressed and I found that those talks were making me feel worse. I was coming away feeling ten times heavier than I did when the conversation started. Back to the internet I would go, researching PCOS and pregnancy success rates. Looking at the different fertility treatment options and the success rates of women with PCOS. I was looking to get all my hope from reading baby community boards and tried so hard to stay away from the word of God as I really felt that I was being punished or was undeserving of having a child.
The more I relied on my own thoughts or advice from those who didn’t believe in God, the more I found myself drifting away and really only feeling connected with God on a Friday, Sunday or the odd Tuesday I would go to church. Those three days amounted to approximately 5 hours of time spent with God. That’s 160 hours (minus the odd prayer here and there) of letting my mind wander and be filled with “possibilities” and “hope” from the world.
Psalm 118:5 (NLT) – In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. Prayer is key to getting through any storm or trial no matter how hard it presents itself. I grew up in a household with a prayer warrior of a mother and always admired her ability to pray for such long periods and not repeat herself. As I matured, I realised that your prayers become more lengthy once you experience the realities of life itself. I know I still have a long way to go but my prayer life increased the more I had the desire for a child. I prayed for a sound mind to continue with the journey and things slowly began to ease. Notice I said slowly – sometimes we pray despeate prayers, expecting an immediate turnaround in accordance to our own timescales instead of God’s timing. His timing may be immediate but bear in mind, it may also be days, weeks, months or years – just know that He is always on time.
A friend of mine recently sent me this image and it really made me laugh! Imagine the response to “Do you want children”, “When are the children coming?” “You’ve been married a long time, when are we expecting the children?” Imagine saying “No, just a dog”
Truth is, a smart comment is not even needed and I guess, once you have that peace that God is going to fulfil His promises concerning our children, you can boldly say “In God’s time.” Nothing else is really needed unless you have the conviction to say more – actually, waiting on God for something does not need to be a secret or something to be ashamed of. I now intend to enjoy myself because focussing on what is not, does not get me anywhere. I cannot reclaim the amount of hours I have spent feeling down and when the children come, I’d like to have the confidence that I’ve spent the time God has given me wisely.
Look waiting in the face and smile, knowing that He who has promised, will surely fulfil.
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