I don’t think anyone ever gets over the loss of a loved one. At 7 weeks and 5 days, many people would refer to my baby as an embryo, but to me, he or she was my baby- a human being. God tells us that He knew us before we were formed in our mother’s womb (Jer 1:5) so I will stand by that word and say there was definitely life inside me.
It all happened so quickly, I had no pregnancy symptoms or signs and thought my growing stomach was a result of PCOS bloating. To find out I was just over 5 weeks pregnant was such an amazing feeling, especially as I had taken a pregnancy test almost 3 weeks before which was negative…
I was filled with so many emotions and have to admit that the most prominent one was fear. I was fearful because I was spotting and desperately needed someone other than my husband to reassure me that everything would be ok. I kept looking back at the pregnancy test and subconsciously thinking that the 2 lines would somehow disappear as I thought “Is this really happening?”
The following week, my husband and I went to A&E as the spotting continued and stomach cramps began. I was up all night researching various sites such as babycentre, mumsnet, NHS and more to see what other women were going through to put myself at ease. The one place I didn’t look for help was the in the word. I was so afraid that I might find something that would confirm my fears…
At the hospital, they carried out an ultrasound and said everything looked fine and that it was too early for them to hear a heartbeat so I should come back the following week. Phew! The relief was a great feeling! I thanked God and carried on but, the lingering feeling was still there as I still bled and the cramps became more intense.
Tuesday 12th February 2013, I was rushed to hospital with pains I cannot even describe. All I remember is screaming and feeling that someone was ripping out my insides. After waiting an hour in A&E, I was taken to the gynecological ward – a ward I had become familiar with over the past years. I was kept overnight as no one was available to carry out an ultrasound. In the morning, I prayed a desperate prayer before being taken into the room but knew deep down what was about to be confirmed…
“I’m sorry, but your baby is on its way out” That was the first time they had referred to my child as a ‘baby’. My whole world crashed and I was distraught that I only had a mere 2 weeks of being pregnant before it was all over. I really thank God for my family and friends because the next few days were so hard. No one asked me to talk about it, they all sat and prayed for me. Just knowing that they were there was comforting but I just could not stop wondering if I’d I get to meet my baby if I made heaven. Actually, I even wondered where my baby had gone!
My husband had planned a surprise trip to New York for my birthday, which was perfect timing to just get away from it all. I literally blocked out the previous 4 weeks’ events and carried on as if nothing had happened. I am so used to being strong for others that I forgot that it was ok for me to mourn. I sometimes wonder how my baby is doing and what he or she would be like today. Would I be able to write this post with a 30-month-old child? Would he or she be sleeping through the night by now?
Last year, I began researching on miscarriages and where our babies had gone. I pray I do make Heaven and one thing I am still uncomfortable with is that I will not be a wife to my husband! (ongoing joke :)) I really want to be with him for eternity. The bible says that only those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour will enter heaven. Does that mean that my baby didn’t make heaven? No. I strongly believe that through the grace of God, my baby is enjoying him/herself and I believe I’ll get to meet them one day. I know I will not be their mother but, just knowing that they have been received into the arms of the Lord through grace gives me so much comfort.
For those of you who experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, I encourage you to go through the mourning process and not feel that you have to brush it off and “try again in 3 months” as the Doctor told me. They almost make you feel that it is normal, especially as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and 1 in 216 births are stillborn (uk-sands.org, miscarriageasspciation.org.uk).
Pray, read, talk and pray more. Mourning should not be done alone, draw on the strength and support of your network. God will surely perfect all that concerns you and your body to ensure your womb is conducive to carry your child to full term and deliver a healthy baby. Philippians 1:6, Psalm 37:4
Be Encouraged, Be Expectant